Not Exactly a Cookie Cutter Diagnosis, is it?

It wasn't until recently that I have realized I AM different. It was like a cataclysmic explosion....BAM...BOOM!!! All of a sudden, I came to the startling realization, I am different. Not different in a bad way, exactly, but in a way that was uncomfortable. It was as if I was trying to fit into a pair jeans one size too small, they fit, but never felt comfortable.

To the neurotypical...imagine this scenario:

Imagine going to a party hosted by foreign diplomats, that you really don't want to have to go, where for a few hours you have to be cheerful and pleasant, and above all else, converse constantly with others. You don't know these people, they don't even speak your mother tongue very well, but you still have to make small talk with them, to make a good impression. Your grasp of their language is limited, and the conversation ends before it has even really started. People seem bored by you, and the conversation has huge gaps, and eventually they grow annoyed and move on. So you move onto mingle with the next group of people, but the same thing happens, again, and again, and again. But you get through it, it is only one night, after all.

Now try living your whole life like that, with every aspect of your life hindered by an inability to be social.

Not just shy, quiet, or an introvert. But a person who is physically unable to socialize with others, because WE DON'T KNOW HOW. Since we can't read about how to be friends, we don't understand how. We are unsure of saying the wrong things, so we look to other people for their reaction, often times unconsciously. We mimic, mime, and imitate other people, but we never really know who WE are, because we have to expend so much energy into appearing to be someone we are not. We spend large amounts of time trying to find the right things to say, we don't have enough energy left over to make it sound sincere.

After a while, you realize that maybe other people are more sincere than you, it's not that you don't feel SYMPATHY, you can't feel EMPATHY. You care about other people, and know that you should do more, but it's hard, because you don't know where to begin to be something you aren't. You begin to feel maybe you are a sociopath, that perhaps you are some horrible, evil person who really doesn't give a rat's ass (I just got the meaning of that idiom, today!) about anybody.

We DO CARE about others, it's just that because for so long we have been isolated from others, we tend to think more about ourselves, as that is who we are used to spending time with.

How many of us have struggled with a lack of friends, and retreated to the sanctuary of our minds, the internet, and other solitary activities? Where does the line get drawn that brings you from somebody who enjoys solitary activities, to an individual who has no choice in the matter, due to a lack of being able to relate to people in social situations?

They talk of the Asperger's individual as one of does not partake in fashion trends or lacks in the personal hygiene department. I am neither. I adore clothes, shopping, and fashion, and am very fastidious in my grooming rituals. I have 3 tattoos, with my entire sleeve (arm) being started this spring, the pain of tattoos does not bother me, also not necessarily a trait of Asperger's.

Is there anybody else out there who fits some of the criteria for Asperger's, but not necessarily all of it? The cookie cutter for Asperger's is too small, and some of us are the pastry that gets thrown out, due to misformed shape!

Thoughts? Comments?

I'd love to hear them!

Hello and Welcome to my Blog!

Who I really am is unimportant. Where I live is unimportant. What I do for a living is really unimportant. But WHAT I am is important.

I am the person you used to bully in kindergarten. I am the person you ignored in high school. I am the person who leaves the interview room, and you immediately cross their name off the list for the amazing job offer. I am the person who you snidely make fun of at work, getting your kicks at my expense, due to my social ineptitude.

I have spent the past 20-something years of my life, knowing I was different. I have received several diagnoses; delayed development due to extreme prematurity, depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder. But none of them described quite what if felt like...to be me.

A battle with anxiety landed me in a treatment centre with other teenagers, for close to 2 years. A decade later, I realize these same people have overcome their difficulties; they are getting married, are in relationships, having children, maintaining friendships.

I am not.

The problems never went away, they were a festering wound that never wanted to heal. Always at the surface, looking for a chance to spread. The real issue is that I very likely have a neuro-biological disorder, characterized by an inability to interact socially, read body language, and react accordingly.

I am the girl with Asperger's Syndrome.

I cannot change. Do not ask me too. I CAN and WILL compensate for my difficulties, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT change.

I am starting this blog as a way of dealing with my frustrations over being different. There have to be other people out there who feel the same way. I am hoping by sharing my experiences, insights and thoughts, others may do the same.