It's been just slightly over a year since my diagnosis, and so much has changed! I am a lot more confident in who I am as a person, and am slowly starting to accept myself for who I am.
I am on medication (not the Prozac I was originally prescribed, as it increased the anxiety and depression), but at a low dose. It seems to be helping, which I am grateful for. I'm still in therapy, but only once a month. I will be "discharged" shortly, but my therapist describes being discharged as simply not seeing her on a regular basis; however, I am free to make an appointment should the need arise.
I've stuck it out with my job - no way in hell, am I going to allow someone to bully me out of job! I dug my heels in, so to speak, and have survived. The fact that we no longer share an office is a huge help! Thanks upper management!!!
Driving...never went anywhere! I took a few lessons, but found them too stressful. I've resigned myself to the wonders of my parents driving abilities and public transportation. Lots of people don't drive, and they manage - so can I!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A New Beginning!
I met again with Dr. W and his assistant on Friday, where they both patiently answered all 13 of my questions. Dr. W. and I agreed that medication would be beneficial, so he has started me on a 20 mg daily dose of Prozac, to help with the anxiety and low moods.
I see him again in a month for follow-up (which I am pleasantly surprised at, I honestly didn't believe he would be involved in my care, once the diagnosis was given.) In the interim, I will be seeing his assistant for weekly counseling sessions, to help with my current psychosocial issues at work.
This is a new beginning, one psychiatrist posed the question to me, "but really, what will a diagnosis do, other than place a label on you?" My response, (which may not be drastically different from other Aspies out there) is plenty!
The diagnosis cleans those mud-smeared windows of your brain, and gives you the insight as to who you are, maybe not the person you always dreamed of becoming, but for the first time, you finally get to meet you! It's the difference between night and day. As the adage goes, if you think you have Asperger's, than you probably do! But the professional diagnosis is always a blessing!
I truly have a lot going for me. I have a great, supportive family, three really good friends, a decent enough job, and the support of an amazing psychiatrist and counselor. I plan on going back to school, and resume my studies at university, doing my undergrad degree in Health Studies, perhaps with a minor in psychology, in the next year.
Dr. W. says there is no reason for me not to learn to drive, so I have signed up for driving lessons, and they begin in July. He laughed and told me, he wasn't going to tell me how many lessons it took for him to learn to drive. He did say I may need more lessons than the average person, but as his assistant pointed out, at the end of the day, when it comes to passing my road test, I'll be held to the same standards as everybody else. Either I will pass or I won't.
There are not enough words to describe my gratitude to Dr. W., he is a wonderful doctor, very gentle, genuine, and understanding. My only hope is that he stays around for a while, Southwestern Ontario, needs him! He's our Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen!
FYI...Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen, for those of you who don't know, is one of the world's leading authorities on autism and autism spectrum disorders, located in the UK, at the University of Cambridge.
Out of curiosity, how many people out there with an Asperger's diagnosis, successfully learn to drive. It sounds as if some can, whereas others cannot, or choose to not drive.
I see him again in a month for follow-up (which I am pleasantly surprised at, I honestly didn't believe he would be involved in my care, once the diagnosis was given.) In the interim, I will be seeing his assistant for weekly counseling sessions, to help with my current psychosocial issues at work.
This is a new beginning, one psychiatrist posed the question to me, "but really, what will a diagnosis do, other than place a label on you?" My response, (which may not be drastically different from other Aspies out there) is plenty!
The diagnosis cleans those mud-smeared windows of your brain, and gives you the insight as to who you are, maybe not the person you always dreamed of becoming, but for the first time, you finally get to meet you! It's the difference between night and day. As the adage goes, if you think you have Asperger's, than you probably do! But the professional diagnosis is always a blessing!
I truly have a lot going for me. I have a great, supportive family, three really good friends, a decent enough job, and the support of an amazing psychiatrist and counselor. I plan on going back to school, and resume my studies at university, doing my undergrad degree in Health Studies, perhaps with a minor in psychology, in the next year.
Dr. W. says there is no reason for me not to learn to drive, so I have signed up for driving lessons, and they begin in July. He laughed and told me, he wasn't going to tell me how many lessons it took for him to learn to drive. He did say I may need more lessons than the average person, but as his assistant pointed out, at the end of the day, when it comes to passing my road test, I'll be held to the same standards as everybody else. Either I will pass or I won't.
There are not enough words to describe my gratitude to Dr. W., he is a wonderful doctor, very gentle, genuine, and understanding. My only hope is that he stays around for a while, Southwestern Ontario, needs him! He's our Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen!
FYI...Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen, for those of you who don't know, is one of the world's leading authorities on autism and autism spectrum disorders, located in the UK, at the University of Cambridge.
Out of curiosity, how many people out there with an Asperger's diagnosis, successfully learn to drive. It sounds as if some can, whereas others cannot, or choose to not drive.
Friday, April 24, 2009
My New Birthday!
"I'm going to confirm the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome." Those were the words spoken by the wonderful psychiatrist Dr. W, a leading expert on diagnosing adults with suspected Asperger's syndrome.
It was 11:39 a.m. on April, 24th 2009.
My mother and I had just spent over an hour with Dr. W., going over details of my childhood, history of my failed friendships, and odd mannerisms, and he gave me the best gift of my entire life.
Sorry, mum and daddy, the trip to Disney World was lovely, but my diagnosis is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
Solid, irrevocable proof that I am NOT crazy.
I cried.
I remember l looked at him, and asked, "you mean, I'm not crazy?" He gently replied "no, you're not crazy. It's not a mental illness, in fact it isn't even a disease. You were born like this, and it's a simply a different way of thinking"
I meet with Dr. W again next Friday, along with his assistant, for what I imagine will be the last time, for them to answer our questions. Dr. W. admits there is little help available where I live, if I lived in a different country, there would be more help available. He did say that he is willing to sit down with me and write a letter to my current employer, explaining Asperger's Syndrome.
Some of my many questions are:
1) What are the chances of me being able to learn how to drive a car?
2) In terms of a career choice, what are areas you suggest I stay away from?
3) What type of support, if any is available?
4) Do you suggest I mention the diagnosis during a job interview?
A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally have the courage to believe that I can accept who I am, and nobody can ever tell me to change. I am not wholly defined by this neurological disorder, but is a part of me, a huge one.
Is there anybody else out there, who felt a huge sense of relief when they received the diagnosis?
It was 11:39 a.m. on April, 24th 2009.
My mother and I had just spent over an hour with Dr. W., going over details of my childhood, history of my failed friendships, and odd mannerisms, and he gave me the best gift of my entire life.
Sorry, mum and daddy, the trip to Disney World was lovely, but my diagnosis is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
Solid, irrevocable proof that I am NOT crazy.
I cried.
I remember l looked at him, and asked, "you mean, I'm not crazy?" He gently replied "no, you're not crazy. It's not a mental illness, in fact it isn't even a disease. You were born like this, and it's a simply a different way of thinking"
I meet with Dr. W again next Friday, along with his assistant, for what I imagine will be the last time, for them to answer our questions. Dr. W. admits there is little help available where I live, if I lived in a different country, there would be more help available. He did say that he is willing to sit down with me and write a letter to my current employer, explaining Asperger's Syndrome.
Some of my many questions are:
1) What are the chances of me being able to learn how to drive a car?
2) In terms of a career choice, what are areas you suggest I stay away from?
3) What type of support, if any is available?
4) Do you suggest I mention the diagnosis during a job interview?
A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally have the courage to believe that I can accept who I am, and nobody can ever tell me to change. I am not wholly defined by this neurological disorder, but is a part of me, a huge one.
Is there anybody else out there, who felt a huge sense of relief when they received the diagnosis?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Not Exactly a Cookie Cutter Diagnosis, is it?
It wasn't until recently that I have realized I AM different. It was like a cataclysmic explosion....BAM...BOOM!!! All of a sudden, I came to the startling realization, I am different. Not different in a bad way, exactly, but in a way that was uncomfortable. It was as if I was trying to fit into a pair jeans one size too small, they fit, but never felt comfortable.
To the neurotypical...imagine this scenario:
Imagine going to a party hosted by foreign diplomats, that you really don't want to have to go, where for a few hours you have to be cheerful and pleasant, and above all else, converse constantly with others. You don't know these people, they don't even speak your mother tongue very well, but you still have to make small talk with them, to make a good impression. Your grasp of their language is limited, and the conversation ends before it has even really started. People seem bored by you, and the conversation has huge gaps, and eventually they grow annoyed and move on. So you move onto mingle with the next group of people, but the same thing happens, again, and again, and again. But you get through it, it is only one night, after all.
Now try living your whole life like that, with every aspect of your life hindered by an inability to be social.
Not just shy, quiet, or an introvert. But a person who is physically unable to socialize with others, because WE DON'T KNOW HOW. Since we can't read about how to be friends, we don't understand how. We are unsure of saying the wrong things, so we look to other people for their reaction, often times unconsciously. We mimic, mime, and imitate other people, but we never really know who WE are, because we have to expend so much energy into appearing to be someone we are not. We spend large amounts of time trying to find the right things to say, we don't have enough energy left over to make it sound sincere.
After a while, you realize that maybe other people are more sincere than you, it's not that you don't feel SYMPATHY, you can't feel EMPATHY. You care about other people, and know that you should do more, but it's hard, because you don't know where to begin to be something you aren't. You begin to feel maybe you are a sociopath, that perhaps you are some horrible, evil person who really doesn't give a rat's ass (I just got the meaning of that idiom, today!) about anybody.
We DO CARE about others, it's just that because for so long we have been isolated from others, we tend to think more about ourselves, as that is who we are used to spending time with.
How many of us have struggled with a lack of friends, and retreated to the sanctuary of our minds, the internet, and other solitary activities? Where does the line get drawn that brings you from somebody who enjoys solitary activities, to an individual who has no choice in the matter, due to a lack of being able to relate to people in social situations?
They talk of the Asperger's individual as one of does not partake in fashion trends or lacks in the personal hygiene department. I am neither. I adore clothes, shopping, and fashion, and am very fastidious in my grooming rituals. I have 3 tattoos, with my entire sleeve (arm) being started this spring, the pain of tattoos does not bother me, also not necessarily a trait of Asperger's.
Is there anybody else out there who fits some of the criteria for Asperger's, but not necessarily all of it? The cookie cutter for Asperger's is too small, and some of us are the pastry that gets thrown out, due to misformed shape!
Thoughts? Comments?
I'd love to hear them!
To the neurotypical...imagine this scenario:
Imagine going to a party hosted by foreign diplomats, that you really don't want to have to go, where for a few hours you have to be cheerful and pleasant, and above all else, converse constantly with others. You don't know these people, they don't even speak your mother tongue very well, but you still have to make small talk with them, to make a good impression. Your grasp of their language is limited, and the conversation ends before it has even really started. People seem bored by you, and the conversation has huge gaps, and eventually they grow annoyed and move on. So you move onto mingle with the next group of people, but the same thing happens, again, and again, and again. But you get through it, it is only one night, after all.
Now try living your whole life like that, with every aspect of your life hindered by an inability to be social.
Not just shy, quiet, or an introvert. But a person who is physically unable to socialize with others, because WE DON'T KNOW HOW. Since we can't read about how to be friends, we don't understand how. We are unsure of saying the wrong things, so we look to other people for their reaction, often times unconsciously. We mimic, mime, and imitate other people, but we never really know who WE are, because we have to expend so much energy into appearing to be someone we are not. We spend large amounts of time trying to find the right things to say, we don't have enough energy left over to make it sound sincere.
After a while, you realize that maybe other people are more sincere than you, it's not that you don't feel SYMPATHY, you can't feel EMPATHY. You care about other people, and know that you should do more, but it's hard, because you don't know where to begin to be something you aren't. You begin to feel maybe you are a sociopath, that perhaps you are some horrible, evil person who really doesn't give a rat's ass (I just got the meaning of that idiom, today!) about anybody.
We DO CARE about others, it's just that because for so long we have been isolated from others, we tend to think more about ourselves, as that is who we are used to spending time with.
How many of us have struggled with a lack of friends, and retreated to the sanctuary of our minds, the internet, and other solitary activities? Where does the line get drawn that brings you from somebody who enjoys solitary activities, to an individual who has no choice in the matter, due to a lack of being able to relate to people in social situations?
They talk of the Asperger's individual as one of does not partake in fashion trends or lacks in the personal hygiene department. I am neither. I adore clothes, shopping, and fashion, and am very fastidious in my grooming rituals. I have 3 tattoos, with my entire sleeve (arm) being started this spring, the pain of tattoos does not bother me, also not necessarily a trait of Asperger's.
Is there anybody else out there who fits some of the criteria for Asperger's, but not necessarily all of it? The cookie cutter for Asperger's is too small, and some of us are the pastry that gets thrown out, due to misformed shape!
Thoughts? Comments?
I'd love to hear them!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Hello and Welcome to my Blog!
Who I really am is unimportant. Where I live is unimportant. What I do for a living is really unimportant. But WHAT I am is important.
I am the person you used to bully in kindergarten. I am the person you ignored in high school. I am the person who leaves the interview room, and you immediately cross their name off the list for the amazing job offer. I am the person who you snidely make fun of at work, getting your kicks at my expense, due to my social ineptitude.
I have spent the past 20-something years of my life, knowing I was different. I have received several diagnoses; delayed development due to extreme prematurity, depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder. But none of them described quite what if felt like...to be me.
A battle with anxiety landed me in a treatment centre with other teenagers, for close to 2 years. A decade later, I realize these same people have overcome their difficulties; they are getting married, are in relationships, having children, maintaining friendships.
I am not.
The problems never went away, they were a festering wound that never wanted to heal. Always at the surface, looking for a chance to spread. The real issue is that I very likely have a neuro-biological disorder, characterized by an inability to interact socially, read body language, and react accordingly.
I am the girl with Asperger's Syndrome.
I cannot change. Do not ask me too. I CAN and WILL compensate for my difficulties, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT change.
I am starting this blog as a way of dealing with my frustrations over being different. There have to be other people out there who feel the same way. I am hoping by sharing my experiences, insights and thoughts, others may do the same.
I am the person you used to bully in kindergarten. I am the person you ignored in high school. I am the person who leaves the interview room, and you immediately cross their name off the list for the amazing job offer. I am the person who you snidely make fun of at work, getting your kicks at my expense, due to my social ineptitude.
I have spent the past 20-something years of my life, knowing I was different. I have received several diagnoses; delayed development due to extreme prematurity, depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder. But none of them described quite what if felt like...to be me.
A battle with anxiety landed me in a treatment centre with other teenagers, for close to 2 years. A decade later, I realize these same people have overcome their difficulties; they are getting married, are in relationships, having children, maintaining friendships.
I am not.
The problems never went away, they were a festering wound that never wanted to heal. Always at the surface, looking for a chance to spread. The real issue is that I very likely have a neuro-biological disorder, characterized by an inability to interact socially, read body language, and react accordingly.
I am the girl with Asperger's Syndrome.
I cannot change. Do not ask me too. I CAN and WILL compensate for my difficulties, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT change.
I am starting this blog as a way of dealing with my frustrations over being different. There have to be other people out there who feel the same way. I am hoping by sharing my experiences, insights and thoughts, others may do the same.
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